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(Monday, May 15, 2006-)
+11:13:00 PM]*
11:13:00 PM
# i've hurt her too much-
i'm sorry for hurtin u yet again. my past has stoned my heart. i've forgotton abt the past tat i'm very sure of. this is nvr abt the past. its abt how my past has affected me. its alrdy changed me. i become more and more careful with things i do. i find it hard t open up as in become like last time. i hab much t worry. after all that we've been through together i noe we'll sort this out. i've put in everything jus for this. i love. i care. everything tat i do. everything tat i think of. i think abt u and me. i refer everything t us. i noe its time t tell u those stuffs because i dunc feel it from u. i love u alot. i can do anything for you. u noe tat. but i wana hab the feeling tat i'm being cared for and loved. but i dunc feel it most of the time. i always think do u really love me for wat i'm? do u still hab doubts abt me? are there really trust in us. the things we said over and over in msg and conversations. things we've nvr told each other. those are just words. i duno if i'd done enuf for u. not sure if u could feel my love for u. my love for u is strong. i dunc really wish we'd jus drift because of this. i've done alot. insearch of true love. hoping t really find it. well. i guess everyone's searchin for it too lurhs. i hope i can feel it. when u gib me my own space. i really think its not neccesary, cos i dunc like t be left alone. if you asked me i would tell u everything. tats how i'm. leaving me alone isnt hlpin me in anyway. sometimes i'm jus too afraid of tellin u stuff dat might make a huge impact on this relationship. minor problems i would still tell you. but today i'm tellin u this cos i've alrdy jumped t too much conclusions. sometimes i feel it sometimes i dunc. i'm still insecure most of the time. i wana feel again. i dunc wana be lost. i dunc wana be dragging u along and keep u in the dark. the problem now isnt i dunc love u. all along from the start i do. u noe tat. although we've been through many obstacles and cleared them. my love for u has alrdy became stronger each time things happen. i still duno how much u love me. =x i'm tryin my best t open up. am i the problem of everything? i seem t hurt u everytime. can i really be the person tat starts and ends with you? do u still love me the same after i told u all those jus now? will u still trust me the same? can we continue doing the things we always do? i dunc wana always affect you like this. i noe it hurts u alot. its okay if u felt tat i bastard u. i noe very well i didn. cos i did not love anyone else neither hab my love for you changed in anyway. it jus became stronger. am i really important to you like ur important t me? darling, this is the time i need u the most. i feel u should noe all these tats why i told u how i felt and maybe u could tell me things. assure me. i need u t clr my thoughts. 2 months, we've come so far. we've been through so much alrdy. its like being tgt for a year. i hope u wont blame me but stay by my side and make me realise my mistakes. pls hlp me get out of this tgt. i need ur caring heart and loving hands to pull me out of this. i've told tat if u fall i'd fall too. u can blame me for anything. i wont mind. u noe it. i'm not like my past. i've changed for the better. for u. hope u could understand. blame me but stay with me wil lyou? guide me and stand by me can you? i cant get t slp. i wished u were right beside me now. i want t tell u everything in my heart. tell u how i feel. all my thoughts. hugg u. sorry for being such a jerk and bastard. i guess i'm not tat good after all. my thinkings jus selfish. i'm sorry. i'll spend tonight thinkin everything through. hope i can put it back t place like how it was. i dunc wan t change this. dunc wan t drift away from u. ur my everything. scold me blame me. i dunc mind. be angry with me if it could hlp make u feel better. talk t me. cos i need t talk to you too. pls tell me nths changed. its my problem. my mistakes. i will do something abt it. but for now. its u tat i'm worried abt. i care abt u and love u alot alot alot. i duno why i bastard u and how i bastard u. explain t me will you? i wont get angry. i jus wana noe more. i'd feel better and comfortable noeing things. i wont leave you for stupid reasons. we're alrdy moving on. its a matter of time when we dunc even hab t worry abt each other leaving anymore. we've became strong. i like it lik this. its all my fault. i'm sorry. i noe i shouldn be this way. when u asked me the other time whether u cared enuff or love me enuff i wanted t tell u this alrdy. but i didn as i thought abt it and replied sayin that theres no limit for loving and caring enuff for a person. its nvr enuff. to love and to care for someone is nvr ever enuff. tats why i keep doing it. i continue doing it every single day. cos i noe i cant stop. i'm in too deep. i dunc wana pull out of this. eversince being with u, u let me understand how it is t be calm and not losing patience. u let me open myself and let another side of me out. the other side tat i couldn become all these years. and u've changed me. i need you. be my girl for always. i cant stop loving you. everything tat happened tonight is a big big mess. i'll tell you everything tml. i wont leave you! cos i dunc want to! pls get this straight cos theres one important person i cant lose. and that person is u. pls forgive me if u can. if not hear me out. to what i hab t say t you. i can only apologise now. but i dunc expecct forgiveness. i've nvr expected anything from u. maybe tats why i felt it tat way? i was selfish okay. i'm sorry. i wont walk away unless you go away. you'll always remain my one and only laopo. gona keep u here beside me for the rest of my life. i promise you. CROSS MY HEART* SLIT MY THROAT.
the story ends like this;
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June 2005