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(Monday, June 26, 2006-)
+5:13:00 PM]*
5:13:00 PM
# i jus felt like u didn care..-
jus came back from sch.. having tuition later at 8pm..
today i only get t see her for not more than 45mins. didn talk much t her..
wanted t tell her much.. but she was always ahead of me.. i'm tired of catching up..
could you slow down for me? i wanted u t walk by my side.. hhahs.. whenever we're in a grp...
i feel like ur so paiseh.. i duno why..
we jus aint so close den.. i'm mostly left behind.. u didn talked t me neither.
i would feel bored. everyone could jus tell me go look for her den.. lols..
is this really wat a man really should do when he needs her badly? cant she sense anything..
haish.. must i say everything.. does everything seem so fine t you.. everytime i'm like this u
think tat i'm hiding stuff from you.
den after tat i keep denying theres anything wrong u jus get frustrated and all worked up..
in the end i hab t comfort you.. lols.. funny huhs.. and at the end of the day..
i still didn get t tell you wats up on mind. how i feel and everything.. i needed u each time..
only u didn noe.. no matter with a grp.. with u alone.. or without you..
i still needed you. can i not dunc need u at all? the feelings jus there.
and i need u by my side.. i didn tell you..
in the end it seems like theres a big gap in us.. ur in front and i'm behind.
i nvr come t you neither do you.. i knew u dunc mean being tgt must always stick tgt.. tat one
sentence tat u told me is alrdy enuff t give me a reason not t tell you how i feel.
it kept me thinkin whether she needs me or not..
should i go over? i duno.. she doesnt noe how i feel..
wat should i do.. i wana tell her.. but i dunc think she'll be pls hearing tat..
tats wat i tot.. i'll give in anyway i could..
maybe someday i would get use t this and dunc even need u t be beside me anymore..
only once inawhile would be enuff..
tat may be good for you barhs.. den u wouldn hab so much t worry abt hhuh..
i wonder if u've ever needed me b4.. lols.. everything u did..
i jus felt u didn cared at all.. no matter how sad i'm u wouldn ask a damn thing..
does my face look so scary tat u dunc even dare t talk t me at all???
haha.. if everyday i was lidat den we no need t talk lerhs..
or maybe i jus cared too much lerhs.. i should jus relax on everything..
be there only when u need me. the rest i'll jus see it as small small matters.
if i had half of him* den i can learn how t let go of the string and pull u back again..
now i'm holding on so tight and not letting u go.. i guess u dunc like it neither..
watever i did.. i wonder if u had ever felt comfortable abt it..
sians.. also duno say so much lerhs u'll understand or not.. lolx..
i didn say it was wrong t stick with ur frenes. i didn say i didn let u.
i didn control wat u think.. i dunc wan t.. i cant also..
i noe u can think.. i dunc like giving my opinion.. cos u dunc agree certain things with me huhs..
if i think like u den maybe wont hab tis feeling and problem lerh barhs.. i cant norhs..
i dunc like t be treated this way. felt like i existed only for the sake of you..
but when i look at you.. i dunc feel my existence in u..
lols.. whenever we're in a grp u wouldn even noe if i disappeared..
i'm always at the back.. i'm taking a slower pace..
i'm not gona chase after u and tell u i need u.. cos i need u all the time..
u jus didn noe it. i'm nvr gona tell you these things clearly..
maybe u read lerhs still cant understand den i also bo bian..
but at least u noe something can lerh barhs..
its not tat i dunc like wat u do.. but it jus gives me these feelings..
the leftout kind. u said u looked at me and i didn notice..
dunc look at me narhs.. come over can.. LMAO! narhs.. jus kidding.
do watever u wan.. i'm not asking for anything.
i only need ur understanding.. the rest is up t you t decide..
u dunc need my permission in doing anything..
do watever ur happy doing.. i'll be fine once i get used..
but i hope i wont tell you dat i dunc need u anymore..
if i get used i duno if i'll still think i need you lerhs..
i'll be there when u need me.. if not dunc waste my time..
cos i'm tired.. i dunc wana end up like tis..
i'll do watever for myself t feel happier if i still feel sad abt all these.. i dunc
noe wat i said t you when i was drunk the other nyte.. hope its nothin stupid barhs.. haish..
as long as ur happy everythings fine with me derhs.. ((=
the story ends like this;
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(Saturday, June 24, 2006-)
+3:36:00 PM]*
3:36:00 PM
# bored.-
Yesterday was her birthday. hmms. i guess.. i got nth t say.. sigh..
i ruined everything? )= jus finished tuition nth to do now.
going out later t JP t get my starhub line.
singtel derhs keep on exploding. daddy wants t hlp me save so change plan. student derh barhs.
at least better than my current one. hhahs. wat more can i say. twice in a month.
its bad for the both of us. expecially for her. i made empty promises. i'm at the edge again..
If i wasnt such an asshole.. i would've thought. i'm a selfish fcuk who only tot for myself. =x
the story ends like this;
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(Friday, June 23, 2006-)
+10:27:00 AM]*
10:27:00 AM
# HAPPY BIRTHDAY GERI.-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DARLING YANN.(=
Woke up at 8 plus. couldn get much slp..
listened t songs and played game.
now i'm gona go bath and change.
later going out t celebrate her birthday.
wonder if shes alrite today.
dunc wana sad faces huhs.
its ur happy day. alrite now.
gona go eat breakfast furs den bath.
Seeya soon. muacckes* <3
the story ends like this;
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(Thursday, June 22, 2006-)
+12:14:00 PM]*
12:14:00 PM
# i lost it again.-
LOL. i lost my mind again. anyhow shouted at her. sorry huh. jus wanted u t noe how i feel barhs. too bad for me u didn. hahas. its alrite. wont hab nxt time lerh barhs. not worth it also larhs. i jus gotta learn not t be lorhs. bear with me narhs. i've jus lost my patience i told you before its this one thing tat i can nvr change. i hab limited patience. once said tat some day i'm afraid it'll affect us. lols. i'm sorry okay. say wat u wan barhs. i've got nth much t say. ((:
the story ends like this;
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(Monday, June 19, 2006-)
+6:53:00 PM]*
6:53:00 PM
# regret.-
Woke up at 10 plus. today slpt better. hhahs. cos everything was cleared up and i hope i did get things back on track again. read all the msg u sent me.. i understand wat u feel kaes. i'm sorry bout b4. cos it wasnt wat i expected t become. today went out and met her and the rest for awhile. cos mr chang treated us t lunch at seoul garden. thanks teach. after tat got nowhere t go. sent her t sch and walked around woodlands. stayed outside for awhile den went home lerhs.. she wouldn be around for the nxt day or so.. i'm gona miss her. hhahs. but seeing her on wed. i ate alot. i was bloated up. she said i ate very little lol.. maybe u jus didn see barhs.. once i reached home i became really giddy. but played game and listened t songs. duno wat else t do. i'm jus so bored. studied and do homework gotta hand in tml. hope she studied too. =x well i wont talk abt this anymore lerhs. i'll jus support u with ur decision barhs. dunc wan make u unhappy. later u slash urself again. i cant do nth.. dunc ever do tat again. i aint worth slashing ur wrist. hurts me t see those 3 lines on ur wrist. i was speechles when i saw it. well u didn wana hear me say anything neither barhs. jus hope everythings back t normal.. got some catching up t do. much t tell you. haha. some other time yeah. nth much too. stupid attitude we hab huh. glad t see ur smile again. i wont make u cry badly again. i'm sad too. for doing it everytime my mind runs wild. will prevent and take notice of everything and not letting things affect us. hope t be with u forever. i'll nvr regret wat i say. i jus hope u wont too. sorry for thinkin too much and giving u lots of attitude. i promise t stay dunc worry so much. i'm not walking away. ur threat i can hlp u t get rid by letting u realise tat ur great in ur own way. i'm here t support and encourage. dunc wana see ur sad face too. (: smiles~ iloveu.
the story ends like this;
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(Sunday, June 18, 2006-)
+9:00:00 PM]*
9:00:00 PM
# broken.-
i must be crazy.. havent been home for the past day.. jus reached home. things between us hasnt cleared at all.. i duno wats wrong with me.. well cos i noe i made it all go this way. no use living in regret. no use sayin anything. no use being sad lols. whos not.. feel bad after friday. couldn slp. nth t say for the past few days.. couldn smile couldn laugh.. couldn talk t her.. was so guilty i didn even noe wat more i could say.. neither do i wan t hurt her. i'm tired of myself. wat more can i do other than disappointing her and my parents. lols.. i ruined everything in a single night. all was so rite. i spoiled everything. we were so high up yet i let us fall. sigh.. i guess things wouldn be the same again.. giving each other attitude.. my minds blank.. i cant think of anything. i'm speechless too. for hurting too much. ): my bad. no point sayin sorry too. nth hlp.. nth will.. wat do i wan.. i also duno.. jus be this way barhs.. dunc think she wants t talk too.. in the end wat do i get.. nth.. i jus made things difficult for us.. dunc wan t.. yet i cant control.. shes been cold towards me.. and i duno wat shes been thinking too.. she doesnt wana tell me neither. i lost her trust lerh barhs. hhahs.. i disappointed her.. i'm sorry.. rmbed u said.. " ur the only one i really trust now.. dunc disappoint me.." well.. its too late.. yarhs. hahahas... laugh at my own mistakes.. feeeling lonely.. feeling sad.. i'm all t blame. i feel really lousy for the past 3 days. couldn slp.. wana talk t her but i've hurt her.. she doesnt wana talk t me too.. everythings changed.. has it?? i guess i may nvr understand and nvr ever will noe how u feel inside.. neither will i be able t understand you.. u dunc need me tat much like u think u do barhs.. if i said i need u would it hlp.. hhahs. but how could i say tat when i've done bad things t you. i cant ask for anything anymore.. have it ur way from now. seriously i dunc wana hurt nor disappoint. hurts me more t hurt u. this is my last sorry t you. from today on.. i wont hab much t say... in the end its still good t let that same old boulder stay in my heart t blk me from moving 1 step forward.. i can only take a step backwards each time u move closer. cos i dunc wana hurt u anymore. i love u.. dunc wana lose you. but its different now.. none of this matters anymore. i made such a deep cut i dunc tink u'll ever heal from it.. do watever ur happy doing.. i'll stay silent by ur side protecting and showering u with my love.. i duno if its too late t do anything anymore. i wana save it. sigh.. u cant assure me neither can i assure you.. now i got no one t turn t cos ur the only one i always turn to.. things may nvr be the same again. i hope its not the end.. i'm sorry i only noe how t break and not mend.. no matter wat my love for u hasnt changed.. didn tot it would end up this way. ):
the story ends like this;
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(Saturday, June 17, 2006-)
+10:56:00 AM]*
10:56:00 AM
# i'm sorry.-
woke up at 9 plus. couldn slp last nite. slpt late. woke up t do maths tuition homework. no mood t do.. kept thinkin why the hell did i said all those stuff. but since i alrdy said it and hurt her.. its too late t take it back. nth i say can change anything too. lols.. my sorries is jus words.. didn think it hlped t clear anything. i duno wat t think either. duno gan jiong and worried for wat.. sorry. everyones, changing including me. dunc wana let it go..
the story ends like this;
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(Friday, June 16, 2006-)
+10:51:00 PM]*
10:51:00 PM
# tired t think.-
all these while my purpose... was u. now i'm losing my purpose.. very soon. i got nth t look forward t anymore. i think too much barhs. i'm watching it slowly fall apart. slow like poison. it kills you slowly.. overtime... well. u could tell me not t think. is it so simple? wat are we talkin abt here. if its something simple den why not jus gib up now. why waste the years from the day u were born. den u wouldn meet me. and wont hear my naggings and take my shiet. i bug u too much lerh barhs. like i want. i cared. this kinda things its beyond my control lerhs. neither can i b happy. would u understand what i'm tryin t tell you? its alrite if u dunc. its not important anymore huh. after this year.. i wonder would there be anymore chances t do those stuffs we said we wanted in future. yeah i'm worried. scared. think too much. now i heckcare. let you be. its better for you. wont be so fan. enjoy urself den. i wonder why i wanted so much t be with you when i duno whether its possible. i can do nth t save anything. ur not doing anything t save anything. u made empty promises. why not we jus keep it this way. i noe i'll regret someday. although u say only wana be with me. do u think i dunc wan? think too much lerhs. ur the first and last thing on my mind. i say so much. you only told me not t think so much. okay i wont. neither would i speak of it. u wont see the other side of me. i'm happy. ur happy. we're happy. why bother huh? like u said ryte. yi hou de shi yi zai shuo. although i hate it whenever u say tat. t me its like you've jus given up all hopes. i was being too hopeful barhs. i dunc realy mind how u scold me and criticise or make fun. i jus smile or make fun of u back. t me its fine. dunc really mind wat ppl say or u say. doesnt affect me much. oh dear. i spoke too much. lol. shouldn be this way eh. i wont think too much lerhs. till the day comes. i can only say good bye with a sad heart. would u be happy? hate me.. hate watever i say. i'm like this i cant change. okays. let you be. i will. (: u wouldn hab t worry abt a thing i say anymore. carry on like how everything used t be barhs. i wont think abt anything. i promise.
the story ends like this;
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(Tuesday, June 13, 2006-)
+10:58:00 AM]*
10:58:00 AM
# tired of everything.-
i'm so tired of everything. my minds in a mess. i feel nothin. think nothing. its so blank. i dunc feel like talking. why not ppl jus talk t me and i answer? what am i now.. i'm just losing myself. yes i held on. only with one hand now. i held on t you. i've let go of the other. i've let go of everything else. i'm sick and tired of things tat keeps repeating and repeating every single damn night. why cant u jus shut the fuck up for jus afew days. i would find home not so scary then. wat u wan t hear. i told u i will means i will larhs. den dunc kpkb so much. its not lyke b4 anymore. i've lost the feeling of family. wats tat. i wass on my own for almost half a year. i learnt t live on my own. take care of my own needs. i was used t being alone alrdy. i got so much freedom. but i wasted it all back den. now i dunc wana waste. but too late u've taken them all away. now tat ur back. i lost that warmth in a family. wats it all about? wtf..
the story ends like this;
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(Saturday, June 10, 2006-)
+6:18:00 PM]*
6:18:00 PM
# weet its all good.-
Its been long since i blogged. hhahs. got nth blog abt during holidays. i can only go out twice a week. did badly for my exams. so had tuition twice every week. not bad larhs. got hlp. everyday stay at home. listen music play com study. skip meals. lol. no one at home t cook for me. so lazy t do anything i jus wana sit down. got so bored of stayin at home. jus wana get out and see her. xp gonna see her on monday i think. friday friday friday. lols. only u noe wat i mean huhs. yesterday she came my house and we cooked maggie mee. shes darn funny. lol. wana cook for me arhs. lols. i think i cook for you better larhs. haha. blog again when theres more stuff t say.. lols. miss ya. wil be waiting for ur call. (:
the story ends like this;
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(Thursday, June 01, 2006-)
+2:58:00 PM]*
2:58:00 PM
# i miss her so bad!!!!-
its been 12 days since i blogged. school holidays. haish boring to the core. cant go out often t see her. i miss her really bad. results are poor. having home tuition on wednesday and sat. sigh. my holidays in the past used t be so easy. wake up play com, chiong until breakfast lunch dinner. bath. chiong com again until 5am. slp until 4pm chiong again. lols. come t think of it now its a really really big waste of time. how the hell did i tot it was great doing it. now tat i've got even more important things to think about and care about i find stayin at home and playing the computer a big waste of time. totally man.. i rather spend time with her than be stuck at home. stayin at home is making me miss her like crazy. feeling of missing someone really can cry and its really really hard to control. its hard t even not think about her for a sec. now tat i'm home alone. there's nth more t think about except her. it sux.. really. i feel so down. can anyone gimme a cure. den scared talk t her will fan her. haish. someone talk t me lurhs. i'm so bad. keep me company pls. lols.. its really hard t go by each day like this. u see being with someone u really love. u would look forward t seeing him/her everyday right. maybe not even doing anything. or just keeping quiet it would still be a happy day for you. hhahs. well... tats what i think. duno bout u guys. (: i cant wait t see her nxt week. i needa get out!!!! i cant stay at home alone keep playing com.. its so freakin boring!! wished i was still stayin a woodlands. so near t her house jus walk over t say hi is also good. argh why do i hab t move t boonlay.. here sux.. i dunc ever go downstair. my home here ish like a freakin hiding place. i use this home t stay in and do everything in. den i go out. come back again. i nvr go downstairs except t buy food. i nvr get t make any frenes here. cos everyones here are apparently paikias? i dunc mind lurhs. but i come home everyday at 6 plus after sch. reach home 7 plus t 8. where got tyme go downstair. i bath and eat dinner den go slp liao. weekends stay at home watch tv play com. or go out on sat. where got tyme go down again. haish. wherelse woodlands so near t sch reach home still got tyme.. more tyme t see her. dunc hab t everytime need t quickly rush home cos dad will scold. haish. wat a fcuked up life i hab. since i hab tuition tis time i gotta work hard. dad says if i go poly he wouldn give a shiet about my life or death. yeah tat would be better for me. i wana mind for own life and making my own decisions. tired being nagged at. i noe lurhs. results poor of cos hab t take al these shiet from parents right. heck lurhs. study hard and move out. i still miss her so bad. going crazy i cant relax. sigh.. 8 more days den maybe can see her. not even sure if i can go out. i love u so much yan. i'm fighting tis month. its so hard. i'm gona go do my tuition homework now. i dunc wan anything. i jus wana see her nxt week. hope dad lets me i'm gona beg him if he doesnt. lols.. faster 10 pm lurhs. wana hear her voice!!!! i'm mad alrdy...
the story ends like this;
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